


Creature Comforts

by TTMIYH



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human/Troll Society (Homestuck), Alternate Universe - No Game, Bathing/Washing, Body Hair, Bulges and Nooks (Homestuck), Cleaning, Humor, Like Thirty Percent Shitpost By Volume, M/M, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Parody But Also Kind Of Taken Seriously, Tentabulges (Homestuck), Trolls (Homestuck), Xenophilia, musk, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:55:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28589883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TTMIYH/pseuds/TTMIYH
Summary: "Karkat you lazy shit get out of your dorm room and wake the fuck up you've got finals to go to." Dave yelled outside of Karkat's bedroom, slamming two pans together to create the appropriate amount of clangor."GO FUCK YOURSELF, I GOT THEM POSTPONED." He yelled back through the door. Well, shit. That meant Dave couldn't pester him anymore.He continued slamming the pans together anyway.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 7
Kudos: 110





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy me taking a whack at *spins wheel* Davekat with trolls that can go into heat. I hope I can do this ancient and time-tested genre justice.

"Karkat you lazy shit get out of your dorm room and wake the fuck up you've got finals to go to." Dave yelled outside of Karkat's bedroom, slamming two pans together to create the appropriate amount of clangor.

"GO FUCK YOURSELF, I GOT THEM POSTPONED." He yelled back through the door. Well, shit. That meant Dave couldn't pester him anymore.

He continued slamming the pans together anyway until he got the door to open, finally acquiring the appropriate response he was looking for. "There you are, my favorite little gnat. I haven't seen you in a week, everyone knows that's the approximate amount of time it takes for a dog to be born, grow old, and die. Do you require medical attention?" Dave asked, before his nose began to twitch. "Oh lordy, are you _alright_? Do you need _soap_?"

Karkat's eyes, bright yellow sclera, narrow and sideways like a frog's or a goat's, slitted like a cat's, a narrow, rounded, rectangular sort of pupil, shone with greenish backlight through the darkness of his bedroom. And it did, in fact, smell, Dave was not just getting his roommate's ungulate for no reason (although any opportunity to acquire one's mountain-dwelling, hooved-horned animal was one best taken). His face was covered in a thin sheen of sweat, his hair a messier pile than normal, stringy and black over his head.

He didn't smell that bad. It was just kind of noticeable. His voice was hoarse and breathy and pitchy in ways that he had never heard from a troll before, although Karkat's voice was always sort of a precursor to this sort of tone, just a little more confident and less exhausted usually. Dave put the pans down on the floor of Karkat's bedroom. "I NEED YOU TO GO FUCK YOURSELF."

"You already used that one, and I've already jacked off three times today, so try again. How about "Things You'd Like Dave Strider To Do" for 400?

"GROSS."

"Yes, I am. Now seriously, do you need soap? A towel? Anything?" Dave said with uncharacteristic amounts of concern, prompting Karkat to slowly begin closing the door on him. Dave quickly jammed his foot into the door, and pried his sunglasses down for once in his life, and Karkat and he made eye contact. He would very much like to know what his roommate/semi-regular makeoutbuddy was up to and if they needed help, because they seemed to be in agony. "I would very much like to know what my roommate slash semi-regular makeoutbuddy is up to, and if they need help, because they seem to be in agony right now."

"PUT YOUR SUNGLASSES BACK UP, STRIDER. IF YOU ARE GOING TO COME INTO MY GOD DAMNED BEDROOM YOU BETTER KEEP YOUR OBNOXIOUS BLOODY EYE BALLS THOROUGHLY BEHIND THOSE CAR WINDOWS YOU CALL GLASSES." Karkat hissed, slamming the door shut on Dave's foot. He bit his lower lip and attempted to not begin shitting curse words out of his mouth. This was just normal Karkat! Karkat was fine. Clearly.

Anyway, so Dave inched his way into the bedroom, which was, as expected, completely dark, barring a small spot of light from Karkat's phone and a combination of Rainymood and three different kinds of noise (white, pink, and brown, he almost immediately recognized) playing on his laptop (which was underneath his bed, so it provided minimal illumination anyway). He shut the door behind him, trying not to too obviously take a sniff of the room around him lest he make a face. It wasn't that it was bad, but it was just... A lot.

Also, Karkat was naked. Dave couldn't see much considering the light and the fact that Karkat was bundled up in more blankets than a katana had layers of folded Nippon steel in order to turn it into one of mankind's most deadly melee weapons, but he could see bare shoulders and bare ankles and considering Karkat's propensity for sweatpants then it was fairly easy to consider that Karkat was wearing only boxers, at bare minimum.

Dave sat down at the floor, looking up at Karkat, whose face was making a strange, contorting mixture of emotions back at him.

"What's the beef, Karkles?"

"IF YOU CALL ME THAT AGAIN I'M KICKING YOU OUT AND ALSO BITING YOUR LIPS OFF NEXT TIME I KISS YOU."

"Fine. I'll save it for later."

Dave crossed his arms. Karkat took a big inhale like he was about to inflate himself in order to appear more intimidating to predators or more appealing to Sonic the Hedgehog fans. "I'M IN HEAT."

Dave raised an eyebrow, just slightly above the top edge of his sunglasses. "You're in what?"

"SHUT UP."

"Is this a troll-"

"YES IT'S A TROLL THING."

"I can't say I'm familiar."

"WELL HOW MANY TROLLS HAVE YOU LIVED WITH, STRIDER?"

"Very few, to be sure."

"EXACTLY."

"Alright so give me the skinny on your bad fanfiction disease."

"MY WHAT?"

"Your-"

"YOU KNOW WHAT, ACTUALLY, DON'T ANSWER THAT. I'LL JUST ANSWER YOUR FUCKING QUESTION SO YOU CAN GET YOUR CONCERN OUT OF THE WAY AND THEN LEAVE ME ALONE." Karkat screeched, hissing words out between his pointy teeth. He pulled the blanket up a little further so it covered his bare shoulders. "BEFORE TROLLS GOT THE WHOLE MOTHER GRUB THING GOING ON, WE WERE CAPABLE OF DIRECT SEXUAL REPRODUCTION LIKE YOUR WEIRD GENETIC FREAK SPECIES."

"I'd contest that but you're absolutely right, it's a wonder we've survived."

"SHUT UP, AND YES IT IS."

"Yes, sir."

Karkat's face undulated between scowling and something that looked like it would be a whimper if it was on anyone less chronically angry than Karkat Vantas. "I'M NO BIOLOGIST NOR WILL I EVER BE SO I CAN'T EXPLAIN TO YOU THE EXACT NEUROCHEMICAL MECHANISMS INVOLVED BUT IT IS A VESTIGIAL BREEDING RESPONSE THAT IS ONLY EXPRESSED IN ABOUT TEN PERCENT OF TROLLS."

"And you're-"

"SHUT UP, I'M GIVING YOU YOUR FUCKING EXPOSITION DUMP, STRIDER. YES I AM IN THAT UNLUCKY TEN PERCENT. THANKFULLY THERE ARE ACCOMMODATIONS FOR THINGS LIKE THIS AND IT ONLY HAPPENS ONCE A YEAR."

"For-"

"ABOUT TWO WEEKS."

"Hmm." Dave folded his arms in front of his chest before adjusting his sunglasses, which made it quite hard to discern Karkat's outline properly in any actual form. "Do you need, like, help taking a shower? Because I will definitely help you, old man Vantas, if it means you are-"

"YES, AND IF YOU TOUCH ME I'LL PROBABLY. HAVE." Karkat started speaking, but then immediately found himself with twelve pounds of feline catching a two-ounce tongue and pinning it down to the ground. Eventually, the moment cleared, and he hacked up hairball words into Dave's vicinity. "A THING."

"A thing."

"A THING. FUCK YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN."

Dave got up, stretching his limbs. "I'll go turn the shower on, then. Do you need someone to handle a dildo for you too?" He offered, 100% in jest (please do not respond positively to that, Karkat, Dave was comfortable with just making out right now).

"I CAN HANDLE MY- YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M NOT FINISHING THAT SENTENCE." Karkat said, getting up from his bed and shivering as the air touched his skin. Dave looked away, but not quickly enough to catch an eyeful of Karkat's nude body for the first time, and no amount of tint in his shades could prevent him from seeing what looked like a big floppy worm quietly writhing around Karkat's pelvis, so you know what let's just wipe that one from the memory banks. Aaaaand compartmentalized. Hell yeah.

"That was a joke suggestion I was very much not interested in actually following through on." Dave admitted, letting the facade fall away a little bit so he could express genuine concern for once in his life, still facing away from Karkat, and, in fact, beginning to walk out of his room. "We've only been making out so far, man, going to personal dildo-handler is a big jump in responsibility. I'd need, like, my certification and everything."

Karkat laughed hoarsely, walking slowly, terse footsteps trailing behind Dave as he led his roommate outside and into the light for once before ditching him to the mercy of the AC. Sure, he could hear him cursing up a storm, but turning the shower on was more important, because then he would not have to be in an awkward situation constantly coming up with quips anymore. Psssshhhht, shower time, yes king dump that fresh ice cold water on the floor while it took five minutes to warm up.

Karkat, still cursing, steadily shuffled into view. "DAVE, THIS DORM IS NOT VERY DISABILITY FRIENDLY."

Dave, not looking in Karkat's direction, moonwalked out of the bathroom and then shuffled a couple of feet to the side so Karkat could pass. "Pardon? Am I the disabled person in this metaphor?"

"GET BACK IN THE BATHROOM, SHITHEAD, I'M GOING TO NEED YOUR HELP."

Dave proceeded to spin around 360 degrees on his socks on the shiny, smooth, slideable floor, nearly wiped out, caught himself against the wall, and proceeded to walk normally into the bathroom, still facing away from Karkat (and keeping his eyes shut when his spin brought him into view). "THERE IS THIS FUCKING LITTLE LEDGE... DOORSTOP THING BETWEEN ME AND THE FUCKING BATHROOM. YOU ARE GOING TO NEED TO GRAB MY HAND AND HELP ME UP OR I WILL PROBABLY TRIP, BECAUSE IF I LIFT MY FOOT MORE THAN HALF AN INCH OFF THE GROUND MY BULGE WILL START RAPIDLY HELICOPTERING AROUND IN SEARCH FOR A NOOK TO CRAM ITSELF INTO, AND BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN. VERY BAD THINGS, STRIDER. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? VERY BAD THINGS."

"I get it, dude, jesus christ. Are you sure you won't, like, fucking, uh... pair bond with me or something?"

Karkat shuffled slowly to the bathroom, completely nude, and absolutely not being looked at by Dave. "DAVE STRIDER, IT SHOULD BE CLEAR FROM THE FACT THAT I STILL AM DISINTERESTED IN THE CONCEPT OF FUCKING YOU THAT THIS IS NOT THE SORT OF STUPID ROMCOM PLOT DEVICE THAT SUDDENLY MAKES ME GO "HUMAN GOOGOO GAAGAA" OVER YOUR WEIRD HUMAN GENITALIA."

"That's a plot device in your romcoms? That sounds a little..."

"IFFY, CONSENT-WISE? YOU'D BE FUCKING CORRECT. I AM STILL PERFECTLY RATIONAL, AS EVIDENCED BY THE FACT THAT I STILL WANT YOU TO DIE, I JUST ALSO WANT TO GET RAILED BY ANYTHING WITH A ROUGHLY BULGE-SHAPED APPENDAGE." Karkat groaned, as Dave grabbed a hold of his clammy hand (backwards) and gently hauled him over the tiny little door ledge thingy into the tile bathroom. Then, he kept Karkat's hand held because it was clear from Karkat's footing that he absolutely would've slipped and fell otherwise, and Dave was not in the mood to call Life Alert, nor have Karkat become a Life Alert advertisement. "FUCK." Was all Karkat had to say, in infinite colorful variations, some of which were far too colorful to share in this Christian manga. "GET ME IN THAT FUCKING SHOWER!"


	2. Chapter 2

"I am avoiding looking at you as much as is humanly possible. You are my personal gorgon and if I see your strange little troll body I will simply turn into a statue and perish on the spot." Dave rambled, looking straight ahead to the wall and toilet while his exact direction of gaze was hidden behind tinted car window shades, although to see Karkat would've still required him to be able to see behind him, which was frankly, impossible. Well. Probably. Dave suddenly remembered that freaky troll he dated for all of two weeks (no nudity involved) that may possibly have had an eye in the back of their head, but, well, that wasn't Dave, now was it?

"SHUT UP." Karkat whined, letting go of Dave's hand, weakly stumbling into the shower and immediately yanking the curtain shut. It was one of those distinctly annoying shower configurations where it was completely open to the floor, which was slightly sloped so that any water would inevitably roll back inwards towards the drain. It skewed the entire bathroom towards the shower, in a way that was plainly unacceptable to Dave - architectural failure at its best. Karkat made a noise not entirely indistinct from a cat being dunked in a bucket of ice water.

"You dead yet? When do I get my inheritance?" Dave asked, remaining standing still as a statue, staring at the wall.

"DAVE." Karkat shouted. "I WANT TO PREFACE THIS STATEMENT WITH THE FOLLOWING: I HATE YOU SO MUCH, PLEASE DIE. THAT BEING SAID." Karkat was very clearly trying to say something, something that Dave very much hoped was not "I NEED HELP GETTING CLEAN.", because he was not ready to see his roommate and occasional makeout partner's weird alien dongus yet. "I NEED HELP GETTING CLEAN."

"God fuckin' damnit." Dave mumbled. "You sure you can't just dump a bunch of shampoo on yourself and call it a day? Maybe we have some rubbing alcohol somewhere, will definitely scrub off all the sweat."

"DAVE, THIS SITUATION IS INFINITELY MORE DIRE THAN YOUR PUNY LITTLE HUMAN THINK PAN IS CAPABLE OF COMPREHENDING. I AM LITERALLY INCAPABLE OF NOT TRYING TO JACK OFF. IT'S NOT FUNNY. DON'T LAUGH." Karkat shouted through the curtain like it was some kind of brick wall. At this volume, though, Dave was absolutely certain that the neighbors could hear. He began laughing immediately. "FUCK OFF, THAT'S LITERALLY THE ONE THING I ASKED YOU NOT TO DO."

"You more shouted it at me than asked. You're going to need to re-learn your manners, little boy, before you get your dessert." Dave said, unable to stop himself from saying stupid shit.

"DAVE, THAT WAS PERHAPS THE ONLY THING YOU COULD'VE SAID THAT TURNED ME OFF RIGHT NOW, NEVER DO THAT AGAIN OR I WILL IMMEDIATELY BEGIN VOMITING BLOOD ALL OVER THIS NICE TILE FLOOR AND THEN I WILL CALL THE RA AND SAID YOU DID IT."

"Yeah, agreed, I. Yeah, what do you need again?" Dave asked, regretting everything about this situation as much as it was humanly possible to regret something, face ablush with blood.

"RIGHT NOW I AM SITTING ON MY HANDS BECAUSE IT IS VERY WARM AND COMFORTABLE IN HERE AND IF I START RELAXING FOR A GOD DAMN SECOND I CAN GUARANTEE YOU I WILL BEGIN TO JACK OFF INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY CLEANING MYSELF." Karkat answered.

"That seems kind of weird. Are you sure you don't have more self control than that?" Dave challenged, adjusting his glasses (which had begun to fog up). Still, he had already removed his shirt in expectation of having to get at least his upper half wet if he was to clean Karkat, and he didn't want to wear a wet shirt. That would suck. He put it on the toilet lid, after folding it neatly.

"YES, ABSOLUTELY. BELIEVE ME, IF I WANTED AN EXCUSE FOR A STUPID INTIMATE MOMENT IN THE SHOWER I WOULD JUST TELL YOU "HEY COME FUCK ME IN THE SHOWER YOU IMBECILE" AND YOU PROBABLY WOULD'VE SAID SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF "OKAY KARKAT I CAN'T WAIT TO STICK MY WEIRD HUMAN BULGE INSIDE YOUR INTERESTING ALTERNIAN GENITAL CONFIGURATION", YOU FUCKING LUMMOX. I WOULD NOT COME UP WITH SOMETHING NEARLY AS PATHETIC AS "DAVE, PLEASE HELP, I AM COMPLETELY AT YOUR MERCY BECAUSE I'M IN HEAT AND IF I DON'T STOP SITTING ON MY FUCKING HANDS I WILL BE FILLED WITH AN UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO FINGER MYSELF.". WHAT KIND OF FUCKING ARTISTIC POSEUR DO YOU TAKE ME FOR? SOME KIND OF AUTHOR THAT TRAFFICS IN STUPID PORNOGRAPHIC CONTRIVANCES? I AM COVERED IN A FINE LAYER OF SWEAT, IT IS DECIDEDLY UNSEXY, PLEASE CLEAN ME, JESUS CHRIST."

"Alright, Shakespeare, Jesus, lay off the monologues, god damn." Dave answered, rubbing his ears in a kind of mocking "You are fucking loud" fashion, only to realize that Karkat couldn't even see him. Sigh. A brilliant joke, gone completely unwitnessed. Dave popped his face into the shower with a loud "Boo," which was apparently enough to make Karkat jump several inches with a particularly loud and shrill "FUCK OFF". Damn, he really was on edge. Anyway, so Dave got on the floor and scooted forward a little bit so that his lower body was outside of the shower but his upper body, above his hips, was inside. Immediately, he realized a slight problem. "I am fairly certain that it will not be possible to clean you in a reasonable fashion while lying on the floor like an earthworm."

"THEN TAKE YOUR FUCKING PANTS OFF BUT KEEP YOUR DICK AS THOROUGHLY OUTSIDE MY ORIFICES AS MAMMAL-Y POSSIBLE AND WE WON'T HAVE A GOD DAMN PROBLEM, WILL WE?" Karkat challenged. Now, Dave wasn't exactly shy, but he did have a certain amount of reticence to being naked in a shower with his makeout buddy while his makeout buddy was suffering a debilitating, sexually charged, and somewhat contrived heat sort of thing. "OR JUST LET ME DROWN IN HERE, YOU BULGESNIFFING NOOKSTAIN OF A HUMAN BEING. WHAT DO I GIVE A SHIT, IT'S NOT LIKE IT WAS YOUR FUCKING IDEA TO TRY AND ASSIST ME IN RECLAIMING SOME SEMBLANCE OF CLEANLINESS OR ANYTHING. OR MAYBE YOU CAN DEVELOP TROLL MR. FANTASTIC ARMS AND JUST STRETCH THEM TO CLEAN ME, WHAT THE FUCK DO I KNOW? HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO REACH ANYTHING BESIDES MY LEGS, YOU IMBECILE? THAT'S WHAT I FUCKING THOUGHT NOW GET NAKED AND GET IN THE FUCKING SHOWER! FUCK!"

"Alright, jeez." Dave said, sort of too much at a loss for words to come up with anything better, reaching backwards so he could begin somewhat lamely shimmying out of his pants and boxers. Yes, there were probably swimming trunks somewhere he could go grab instead, but he had the feeling if he left Karkat alone for more than 30 seconds, not only would the poor thing start masturbating his alien dick off, but Dave would also get another earful of shrill Karkat, and he wasn't really looking forward to that. Not at all, no. He didn't even have much of a snarky response to give, getting all of his clothes off so that the two of them were equally nude outside of his sunglasses (which he did, in fact, wear in the shower) and then slowly inchworming his way in.

Now he could probably look up from the tile, he supposed, and actually look at Karkat. Dave pulled his body up from its jumble of limbs into a criss-cross-applesauce sitting position, looking at Karkat, who was indeed sitting on his hands and also had pushed himself into the corner. Dave was trying not to pay attention to the fact that Karkat's eyes were rapidly flickering between Dave's dick (100% - 90% soft, promise) and his face. "YES, I AM LOOKING, I AM TRYING VERY HARD NOT TO, PLEASE DO NOT MIND ME. LET'S NOT MAKE IT ANY FUCKING HARDER THAN IT HAS TO BE."

Dave laughed a little bit at "make it harder" quietly, earning him a weak kick from Karkat. Karkat looked, superficially, like a human, although his skin was hairless and, it seemed, poreless - just smooth grey with the texture and appearance of kind of slippery leather. Like maybe rhino leather, or alligator leather, or something like that? His legs, and this was something that Dave already knew from getting handsy, were Pretty Big, call it a pear if you wanted to. Or an upside-down lightbulb. Or an upside-down apple. Or a teardrop, but right-side up. He had big thighs and hips, get it? The only body hair on Karkat's body was a pretty wild bush on his pelvis in basically the same spot as Dave's blonde (and considerably more trimmed) hair, and a thin layer of armpit hair that Dave could see peeking out from the weird way his arms were folded underneath him.

Karkat's skin was damp with sweat and water in what seemed like equal amounts, his mouth full of weirdly sharp teeth hanging loosely open - oh my god, he was drooling. Dave just kept his mouth shut and let the boy drool, he was surely going through An Ordeal right now and he didn't want to make it worse. The air smelled distinctly like a gym after working out (not entirely unpleasant, Dave had to admit), and there was, of course, Karkat's Weird Alien Dick to navigate - bright, candy apple red, about 9 inches long, angrily thrashing about and splattering similarly red, uh, juices all over Karkat's inner thighs.

"LOOK, LET'S JUST GET IT OUT OF THE WAY." Karkat said, uncrossing their legs to reveal the rest of the assemblage, which, curiously, included what basically looked like a particularly-folded-up vagina (or at least how Dave assumed they looked from what he had seen on the internet), albeit with visible lines of bright red leaking out of it, and, of course, the giant inch-thick tentacle at the top of it.

"THERE, YOU GOT YOUR LOOKS IN, DIDN'T YOU? NOW FUCKING CLEAN ME." Karkat screeched - my god, it was so much louder up close. Dave's ears were a good three more shouts away from beginning to spontaneously fall off and run away.

"Sir, yes, s-" "SHUT UP AND GET SOAPING!"


	3. Chapter 3

Look, let's not mince words here. Dave was in the shower. With Karkat. With soap. With hands going about. And Karkat smelled kind of like a gym but, like, in a good way, and Karkat was also really hot, in a good way as well. Soap, meet hand, meet washrag. Dave was trying very hard not to pop a stiffie as he maneuvered around Karkat, squeezing himself behind the poor thing and beginning to thoroughly scrub him the best possible. Working up a suitable lather into the washcloth, he folded it over his hand, and got to scrubbing.

Almost immediately, Karkat reacted with a blushing, wailing little yaoi cry, just at the sensation of Dave's nails pricking against his skin, the washcloth scrubbing at a buildup of oils. "Jesus, christ, are you alright? Are you dead yet?"

"CAN IT." Karkat said. This made Dave very curious - as we're all aware at this point, Karkat is generally a very verbose speaker, and yet here he was, with laconicism more typical of Dave's elder cousin, Dirk. Dave shrugged and continued to scrub, trying to prevent his fingers from actually making contact with Karkat's skin as much as humanly possible. Just... soaping up his back, his shoulders, very much holding back an urge for lewd behaviors. Do not proposition your roommate in the shower, Dave, you have a hard-on and you don't want it to get weirder than it already is.

"Karkat, I'm going to be honest, that was a very gay noise." Dave said, after the abject silence of about 40 seconds without speech began to get to him.

"WHAT?" Karkat asked, whipping his head around with a very confused look on his face. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, STRIDER." It was not a question that time.

"The noise you made when I touched your back it was, like, it was like a little gay little gay hentai noise. Like ~uwaaah~ you know?"

Karkat furrowed the bridge of his nose in imitation of pinching it and gently scooted himself around mid-cleaning. This served two purposes. One, it let the water start washing the soap suds on his back. Two, it made Dave's boner readily apparent, to which Karkat sighed exasperatedly. "DAVE. I AM MALE. YOU ARE MALE. WE ARE BOTH OUR RESPECTIVE SPECIES' GENDERED CONCEPTION OF MALENESS. WHILE IT MEANS VERY LITTLE TO ME AS AN ALTERNIAN, YOU WOULD BE CORRECT IN CALLING THAT A "LITTLE GAY LITTLE GAY HENTAI NOISE", BECAUSE I'M FUCKING GAY, YOU DUMB CROCK OF SHIT! HOLY FUCK, YOU ARE SOPHOMORIC. MUST YOU FILL EVERY WRITHING CREVICE OF EMPTY NOISE WITH YOUR STUPID LITTLE WORDS, DAVE?"

"Yes, absolutely, it's just compulsion at this po-- Wait, aren't you bi?" Dave asked, bucking his pelvis inwards so he could reach out and start getting at Karkat's shoulders and neck. Karkat visibly winced, trying to hold back more embarrassing noises while he continued to lash Dave up and down with verbal invective.

"HOMOSEXUALITY ISN'T A THING FOR US, FUNCTIONALLY I PREFER TO FUCK MEN, IS THAT A PROBLEM? DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY LITTLE GAY NOISES COMING OUT OF MY LITTLE GAY MOUTH? BECAUSE MY LITTLE GAY BODY IS SCREAMING FOR ME TO FUCK MY LITTLE GAY ROOMMATE AND HE CAN'T HELP BUT OPEN HIS MOUTH AND REPEATEDLY INSERT HIS FOOT IN ONE OF THE MOST DISTRESSING ACTS OF AUTOVORAEPHILIA I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE GOD DAMN LIFE. "LITTLE GAY NOISES", WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING TALKING ABOUT? A MOAN? HAVE YOU EVER HEARD A MAN MOAN BEFORE, DAVE STRIDER? HUH? IS THAT AN EVENT THAT HAS OCCURRED TO YOU AT ANY POINT IN THE PAST? HOLY FUCK."

Dave let out a disgruntled little noise as his washcloth reached a point of soaping up Karkat's neck and the troll could no longer resist drooling on Dave's hand, letting disgustingly happy little turned on coos bubble out with equal slowness and syrupy drip. "Karkat, you know I love fucking with you but are you ever concerned that this might end up edging into verbal abuse? Like, not right now, because I think you're a hilarious little shitgremlin, but like, ten years from now when you're some high ranking CEO your secretary comes and gives you a strawberry fanta instead of a grape one or whatever so you just say mean shit to him until he breaks down crying. Are you ever worried about that, Karkat?"

"YES, YOU IMBECILE." Karkat replied almost immediately, visibly pushing past his moans to do so while Dave started soaping up Karkat's chest. Already, Karkat's weird tentacle boner was _reaching_ for Dave, which was more than enough reason for Dave to pull his pelvis back just a little bit more. If he didn't know better (actually, he didn't), that thing would've just grabbed his dick and pulled it into Karkat's weird alien vagina, which was not something Dave was feeling right now. Not that he was upset, the vibe just wasn't right. Anyway. Karkat yelling, let's get back to that. "DO YOU THINK I WOULD KEEP DOING THIS IF I THOUGHT IT WAS AT ALL HURTING YOUR FEELINGS? I'M NOT A FUCKING SOULLESS SHITHEEL, IF I DIDN'T KNOW YOU THOUGHT THIS SHIT WAS HILARIOUS I WOULD BE, LIKE, 90% AS MEAN."

It's important to note that, as Karkat spoke, his voice just continued to crack and crack and crack, just, everywhere. Like, every third word. Take our word for it - it's really funny.

"Wait a tick, that's still 10% mean. You'd be 10% mean to me even if it hurt my feelings, Karkles?" Dave asked, turning his gaze away as he re-lathered his washcloth and began gently rolling it over aaaaand Karkat just came on his hands. And arms. And legs. And his own legs. And the floor. And Dave's face. And his face. And both of their stomachs with one shot, which was kind of impressive, leaving Karkat blushing, panting, and visibly fuming.

"WHY DID YOU THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA. AND YES, I WILL BE 200% MEAN TO YOU IF YOU EVER CALL ME KARKLES AGAIN, PLEASE DON'T TEST ME." Karkat said - although Dave knew from him using "please" that he didn't really mean it. "GREAT WELL I GUESS WE HAVE TO CLEAN THIS OFF NOW. JUST GET MY PITS AND MY ASS NEXT THE BEST YOU CAN AND WE'LL CALL IT A FUCKING DAY, EMPRESS ALMIGHTY."

Dave shrugged nonchalantly, stepping in front of the shower's stream of water to get himself clean of sticky red troll cum. And, my god, there was so much sticky red troll cum everywhere, although thankfully it did not seem to coagulate the same way his cum did whenever he whacked off while the shower was running - way easier to clean off this one. Love that. Then, scooting back around Karkat, he let the other troll, panting and wheezing with exertion, gently scoot himself (still sitting on his hands!) under the shower water to get all the weird sticky troll cum off of his body.

"As you wish, sire." Dave said, and this time Karkat did not immediately snap at him to shut up, which was a marginal improvement - maybe he was too tired to yell "SHUT UP"? Who knew! Either way, Dave's hands and washcloth, once again soapy and lathered, ran up Karkat's sides, into his underarms, making the troll shudder with barely contained delight, eyes fluttering shut. Dave successfully resisted the urge to look down at his own twitching boner, only getting harder at the specific locale he was cleaning for reasons he had yet to discover (who knew Dave liked this particular part of the body? Not Dave, apparently).

Getting Karkat's ass clean was a relatively painless process, in comparison. Just... Scoot the cloth under Karkat's ass. Then pull it up like a beyblade ripcord but less hard. Then scoot it back under. Rinse, repeat a couple of times. Then, all it took was Dave making sure Karkat washed all the soapy lather up, and Karkat finally stood up, shook out his hands, and immediately lunged towards Dave.

"DAVE, THIS SHOULD BE EYE-SEARINGLY OBVIOUS TO ANYONE WITH A BRAIN BUT I AM VERY TURNED ON AND WOULD LIKE TO STICK YOUR WEIRD HUMAN BONE BULGE INSIDE OF ME. DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX NOW OR NOT NOW OR NOT AT ALL. I AM TRYING TO BE MORE FLOWERY ABOUT THIS BUT I AM NOW FAR TOO HORNED UP TO FUNCTION, PLEASE JUST GIVE ME A STRAIGHTFORWARD ANSWER WITH NO WEIRD STRIDER BULLSHIT, I WILL RESPECT IT, I DO NOT WANT YOU TO FEEL PUSHED INTO THIS OR PRESSURED OR ANYTHING." Karkat asked, getting _directly_ in Dave's face, although slowly backing off as he talked.

Dave laughed, shrugged, and immediately went for the horn fondle, making Karkat blast another couple ropes of space alien cum onto the floor and Dave's feet. "Yeah, sounds good."

Karkat's weird tentacle dongus reached out for Dave's throbbing erection, and Dave turned towards the shower curtain for a moment, looking wayward and smug, before pulling it shut.

**Author's Note:**

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